Black Mirror Spyware, Smother Mother or well intended not so great parenting?
Arkangel. The hover, bother parenting app
‘She does my head in. She is always hovering and bothering and doesn’t let me do ‘owt’ One client aged 14 says to me in my clinic.
‘yeah, she does seem to want to spend a lot of time with you’ I reflect, ‘Can you think why that might be and what the function of that behaviour is?’
‘dunno, but its anoyyyyying!, I wish she would disappear, or maybe I should? Wish I could to be honest, but she tracks me on my phone, and if I disable it she grounds me. I can’t win’
Ask a child what their superpower would be and often you’ll find ‘invisibility’ pops up along the way, among most of the Marvel type superhero superpowers, though few children in my office quote Susan Storm’s ability to hide in plain sight, opting for Harry Potters cloak as the way to become invisible. But why would they want to be hidden and out of the adults sight?
Ask a parent and the answer may well be the same, but it may be dressed up as ‘being able to know what my child is doing when I’m not around’ aka the helicopter parent’ [1] and so Arkangel takes us through this process with a stark reminder of why this might not be the best way for us to parent using technology [2] to spy on our children, though this last emphasis is what children call this when they describe what parents do when hovering and checking their whereabouts such as the app ‘life360’ [3]
Intensive parenting [4], referred to above as that helicopter parent has had a number of terms associated with it, some academic in nature such as the parenting paradox coined by Baumeister [5] where the proposition is put forward that some parents expect this to be the greatest joy, role and purpose of their lives only to find they as the parent create some of the friction and issues related to mental health in their offspring through the very act of parenting. However, some parenting approaches can be overwhelming for children, and it is this approach that the episode Arkangel challenges and where my clinical practice sees this regularly, and has for over a decade especially with the advent of technology allowing this to take place more intensely. Parents do not deliberately set out to create issues for their children, nor do some see that they are causing the issue, but children report their parents as being ‘the issue’ and as a result has allowed me some insight into this as tracking software evolves. And so this chapter is going to look at the Mother who is trying her best to protect her daughter by using technology, only for it to turn out not so great in the end. This chapter may force us to rethink parenting by technology versus parenting alongside.
Helicopter parenting also has a colloquial and metaphorical name; often quoted as the ‘overprotective’ or ‘Smother’ mother (a term to denote a parent who is excessively intrusive). In research however, there are differing types of parenting originally ranging from Authoritarian to Permissive that were described by Baurmind as early as 1966 [6] and have since been replicated, added to and argued in the space of what constitutes ‘good parenting’ with a Psychoanalytical researcher coining the phrase ‘good enough’ parenting [7].
But what is good enough, what is caring and concerned parent and when does it become downright ‘overbearing’? What is it that drives a parent to hover, helicopter, or as some of my clients say wasp? (This term is being used to denote just how annoying the constant presence of their parents and carers is). So let us take the journey through Arkangel to see why parents and carers would want to observe every move of a child’s life and what the function is, what the fears are and as with the episode why it culminates with the separation of child and parent in the way it does. Why is this such a common outcome for this approach to parenting and how can this chapter help support an evidenced based approach to parenting? Parenting can be hard as well as rewarding and fun, and this chapter aims to provide some evidence of ways to support children growing up and some evidence for the psychology of the ever-present parent through technology.
The worst nightmare?
Many parents will say that losing a child is their worst nightmare. What they mean by this can vary from losing a child in a crowd through to their child dying. We are talking about a primitive feeling of loss, grief and anxiety which sits with the feeling of responsibility. For those of you who are parents or carers to children or indeed own a pet, run a business or even own a car there comes with it a feeling of not wanting to lose them or it or have it damaged in any way as it is ‘yours’ and of course this means you must look after it. These words were likely uttered to you as a child when you were given something of value.
Arkangel begins with the premise of a caring mum looking after her toddler daughter (who is incredibly tall for a three-year-old). It seems at the first impression that Mum lives with her father and not a partner. Immediately we are led to consider that she is a single parent, and this means she (mum) is juggling a job and parenthood at the same time and needs the help of her father for childcare. She is engaged in Sarah’s life and a busy professional. One of the early scenes is when Mum takes Sarah to the playground, where Sarah is given some freedom to explore and play. This is a necessary part of child development with attachment theory 8 telling us that children require a secure base from which to explore the world and return to, for what I call a ‘power up’. This can help them go (away from the mother )and build resilience, social skills and learn to relate to others in the world. Often children check in with their parents by glancing toward them as if to say, ‘I’ll just go a little bit farther away’ and parents and carers can encourage this exploration with non-verbal gestures that support the child to, for example climb a little higher on the climbing frame or begin talking to another child in the space. And so, in the episode Sarah begins to explore and follow a cat (without mum noticing at this stage).
The worst nightmare occurs when mum realises Sarah is missing. Mum is visibly distraught and does what most parents would do in this situation and panics. She is shouting and running about looking for her daughter, asking strangers if they have seen her and shortly afterwards Sarah is found, safe and well and quite visibly looks confused (because as she is only three, she cannot understand what the fuss is about). Mums’ anxiety about her being lost becomes a ruminating issue for mum (as you see her distress and can only assume she has been overthinking about this because of the next scenes in the episode), which could be about some of the following thoughts and processes. The following are speculative, based in assumptions about the episodes content and my experience of being a) a parent myself b) a clinician with a long history of working with this type of issue in therapy c) “guesstimating” (guesses and conjecture) through the broad application of psychology theory.
Mums’ worries could be any one of the following feelings or thoughts amplified in the moment and beyond. I will endeavour to explain these further after the short list that follows:
1. Historic *anxiety* and involves the *perceived responsibility* of raising a child on her own to be overwhelming.
2. *Controlling* in order to ensure that things are always predictable, and this could be due to past trauma or relational issues.
3. *Authoritarian parenting* that is her *script* and the only way she knows how to parent.
4. *Shame* in so far as she believes her daughter going missing could be perceived by others that she is no good as a parent.
5. *Obsessive thought patterns*, such as the ‘what if’ and seeing the worst in the outcome.
6. *Anger* that her daughter ran off (or defied her wishes).
7. *Fear* about everything from being reported to social care services, the police, laughed at, humiliated, or sent to prison.
Or it could be all of these things, all at once or in varying degrees throughout the day, and this is what we will take forward in this chapter by using language from an approach called Transactional Analysis [9] (as well as some neuroscience and attachment theories) to provide you with some understanding of why Mum was a smother mother parent in the episode. If you are a parent you may be feeling an alliance with Mum as I described her in the playground scene to be a worried, anxious and scared parent. She is not a monster, but it certainly looks like that to her daughter by the ned of the episode as the behaviours become more extreme and of course Sarah’s life is impacted by this, which we will explore too.
Mums’ childhood
Mum may have been raised by authoritarian parents who wanted her to be a ‘good girl’ and always follow the rules and be perfect. This attitude of always needing to be perfect is what is called a driver of behaviours [10] that often becomes the dominant way of being. Mum would likely then parent how she was parented, and this would look like over attentiveness, fussing and creating the space for the child to also be perfect and never make mistakes [11], or mess. This creates an internal feeling of anxiety in the child [12] which makes it difficult to feel secure, or have a secure base [13] with which to explore from, which in turn impacts how a child sees the world and their ‘attachment’ to their caregiver (mum in this situation). Sometimes this can result in an anxiety that looks like the child is clingy and won’t explore, what is called an adaptation in TA [14] or they might show the behaviour of I’m okay on my own and I’ll just go off and do what I want [15]. Sometimes children fluctuate between these approaches [16], dependent on the situation, circumstances or who is around them at the time.
Mums’ solution. Take control and install Arkangel.
In order to reduce her (mums) anxiety, she seeks out a solution. Often this is something a person can control (e.g. a controlling parent [17]) and is the underpinning of that phrase ‘control freak’ whereby someone is attempting to reduce feelings of no control. Lo and behold big tech have created the solution; ‘stalk your child software’ [It is not called this in the episode and is my framing of the program]. You may already see the parallels with some tech solutions already on the market for parents, carers and those who look after the elderly who have been known to ‘wander off’ (this software is also used in romantic and domestic abuse relationships) in the 2020’s and beyond. Of course, this software is not usually sold for the stalking of a person, but I can say with certainly that’s how my clients present the problem (for them) in therapy when they know this software is on their phones (or cars, or watches [18]).
So, Mum has Arkangel installed. The application enables mum to get a Point of view (POV) as though Sarah’s eyes, as well as physiological reports and the geolocation signal (where she is located). She can also put in place a “protective filter” which blurs Sarah’s vision for all things ‘inappropriate’ based in her physiological responses or maybe what is programmed by the software system (this is not fully explained in the episode).
If this protective filter existed in our corporeal world, it’s anyone’s guess what this would actually mean in practice or what it would cover (list of things to block?) or indeed how this would be put into action, but for the sake of the episode the premise is; there as a guardian of Sarah not seeing anything ‘traumatic, gory, violent, or sexual’. This is now what some of the companies and regulators of the internet spaces are attempting to do hopefully by the end of 2023 (even with Artificial Intelligence systems I’m not entirely convinced this will ever be a thing that can be managed wholly, or circumnavigated other than ‘preventing all access’ to the digital spaces and that is even more unlikely than a system that works?)
A great piece of (health and safety) software?
Its all-good-fun to begin with, with Mum using the software to cheat at hide and seek. I mean who wouldn’t? (And there’s that invisibility superpower again). Arkangel likely enables mum to feel soothed and secure knowing where her daughter is at any time and what she is doing. Mum is back in control, and this reduces her anxiety and so she can head to work safe in the knowledge that the system will alert her to anything out of the ordinary. Doesn’t this seem like a good piece of software?
For now.
Mum returns to work
She returns to work with the grandfather at home, taking care of Sarah. Suddenly the software alerts her to her daughters changed physiology (cortisol levels indicating ‘stress’). Mum sees her father through blurry filters, and removes the filter to witness a (her father) possible stroke/heart attack (it is not clear what the event was). Phew for the software!! This will likely embed the ‘it saved his life’ feeling that mum is looking to feel soothed by, and this further entrenches the belief about keeping the software for the ‘what if’ events. I am sure that many people would see this as a benefit and positive of this type of monitoring software and this is indeed why many older people carry (health based) alarms around their necks for such emergency events. It seems to function well here for the purpose of monitoring safety and health. If only it were used for this in isolation?
Sarah’s childhood.
When the brain builds new neuronal connections, it is said to be a form of stress, called Eustress that is good [19]. When the child learns to explore in a social situation, falls and gets back up again, has friendship fall outs and repairs these it is said to build resilience. This can be seen as a secure attachment style [20]. Forming friendships requires that children have some of the same interests, hobbies, ideas and conversations and they are not singled out or rejected by their peers [21].
Sarah is prevented from some of these processes where she can build her resilience by the installation of Arkangel, as the parental filter becomes active when her nervous system begins to move into fight/flight and the production of cortisol spikes. This becomes clear in the episode when she cannot see a video on the device of one of her peers and when he tries to explain this in words it again filters this out.
Somewhat confused and angry Sarah tries to understand this blood ‘concept’ by creating drawings, using the red pencil to see blood, which again is blurred out by the filter. In frustration she pierces the end of her own finger with a sharp pencil to no avail. Mum is alerted to this self-harming behaviour by Arkangel, and she intervenes in Sarah’s self-harming episode with her own frustrations (and probably fear) resulting in Sarah slapping her around the face. A common response in children who are angry and have few self-regulation skills [22]
In the next scene Sarah is sitting with a Psychologist/Psychotherapist who is carrying out an assessment of Sarah by using images of social situations and asking Sarah to explain what is ‘going on in the pictures’ using a common framework adapted from a Psychologist called Kohlberg [23]. Sarah struggles to explain any behaviour other than ‘they are just talking’ because she may not have an internal representation of these types of experiences, and because of her relationship with her mum and the filter may never have been able to develop these skills with her peer group. [24] Sarah has not seen, heard or discussed anything other than the niceties of life, because the filter has never shown anything else, and as such Sarah may have delayed moral development, empathy and theory of mind [25] if she has never had the experience of even talking through a difficult experience, or being able to think about it herself. It is almost like a whole section of her developmental life is missing due to the parental control that obscured this.
The Psychologist rationalises with Mum that the software is preventing this natural resilience building and turning it off will solve the problems Sarah is experiencing. Mum decides to turn the software off, and Sarah can now be exposed to the natural order of violence and horrors of the world one day at a time. She arrives at school to see the results of a physical fight and sees the blood on the lip of the antagonist in this scene. Knowing her filter is now turned off the antagonist peer then compounds this ‘lesson’ by showing and describing to her the horrors, gore and other ‘things online’, where she is then very quickly introduced to pornography and extreme violent material. Sarah is aged about 10 and this new information must now be assimilated quickly and understood, all in one fell swoop, a very sharp learning curve!
Self-soothing, resilience and self-regulation
Sarah is seemingly lacking in what are called self-regulation or self-soothing behaviours that would have been developed through her infant relationship with mum [26]. She may not have an ability to understand the world she is now exposed to. These skills of self-regulation and self-soothing (processes that help us stay calm, feel secure and safe) have not been developed via a process called co-regulation [27]. For example, when children are small they encounter moments in the relationship (called impingements) whereby for a moment where things didn’t go the way they expected. For example a Dad who took longer to go to the shops than he said. The child becomes anxious and is then soothed or held by the other parent, or upon the return of that parent feels relieved of their anxiety [28]. This occurs in a to-and-fro process, in what’s called a serve and return [29] that helps the child build an internal voice of self-soothing and regulation. Babies experience this where the turn taking can help them understand they are in a co-created space and the parent can help them understand feelings they might not like. For example, tummy ache from wind can be soothed by a parent rocking and rubbing the tummy whilst explaining in song type melodies that ‘its all going to be okay’.
Children who cannot self-regulate and self soothe often feel dysregulated [30] and can become resentful of others, lash out and become violent themselves and towards themselves [31]. Parenting a child who feels this way can become a battleground of the child wanting help to be soothed when distressed but pushing the parent or carer away because they cannot tolerate the soothing [32]. The parent who is intrusive in those moments can become a figure to be hated, rebelled against or attacked. This can be exacerbated by the process of adolescence where peers become the most important people and parents become the enemy [33]. In the episode we are quickly taken to Sarah being approximately 15 years of age where this peer led behaviour begins to appear.
Sarah’s adolescence
Sarah is following a typical adolescent pattern at this point in the episode, where she is now engaging with peers more often, and whom she is developing close relationships with. Mum is likely aware of this stage of life having been through it herself and may well be guessing about the worst (the phrase parents use often for what adolescents get up to). Mum and Sarah begin to have what might be called ‘typical teen conversations’ that result in Sarah not telling mum where she is going or lying about where she is going (for lots of reasons that would take up too much time here). Sarah begins to hang around with peers where some are smoking, drinking and some taking substances. Sarah’s rebellion begins to manifest, alongside perhaps a curiosity, need to impress, and desire to; have sex [34], take drugs [35], smoke and stay out late. All likely underpinned by a desire to wind her mum up against her parenting style [36], or in the words of many of my clients “piss of the parent big time!” it’s the big ‘screw you!’ attitude and the psychological game ‘see what you made me do’ [37].
Missing once more: Arkagnel is the cure?
Sarah has lied to Mum about going to Riley’s as she is going to the lake to hang out with her peers. She is late home and Mum goes through a process many parents will likely have gone through at some point themselves, by ringing around her friends to find where she is. Sarah is busted but does not yet know. Mums’ anxiety is becoming intolerable to her and she is frantically calling people late at night. This is often called ‘freaking out’ which looks like that lack of self-soothing and self-regulation behaviour I talked about earlier for Sarah (I wonder where she learned this?). Mum finds out Sarah has lied, she is beside herself, and likely sets off all those alarms about being a bad parent that I provided in the list above.
And so the trip to the box where Arkangel device is kept is a swift one. Why wouldn’t she use it to ‘locate’ her daughter to bring some relief and so that she can feel in control somewhat? Wouldn’t you? Mum grabs the device# and she uses the map function to find out where Sarah is. Bingo, she finds her…Phew!
Or is it really?
Online influences and the actual worst?
What mum does next and what she is exposed to is possibly the worst thing a parent could ever see their child engaging in. Yep, she is right in the middle of having sex with the boyfriend. Maybe this is the worst nightmare for parents? Mum is shocked (well wouldn’t you be?) and drops the device. Eww.
Sarah is engaging in ‘porn talk’ with her partner when mum opens the POV element on the software. Mum may well be horrified at this talk as well as the act. She might think it is all the fault of the porn industry, because mainstream media tells us so with myths and clickbait media stories (with little robust studies to back the claims) [38] .
Note: What is interesting about this scene in the episode is Charlie Brooker’s assumption that the influence of watching porn as a child and using this language during sex is connected as he has the actress say the same words heard in the ‘film’ shown to her as the child earlier in the episode. However, it is difficult to research sex and porn talk directly (due to ethics), especially with children and this link is currently being made with no robust evidence in research (to date). And, many adults have likely used this language before the invention of the internet, these words did not just appear because of porn. Porn talk might just equal what is said in the real world and maybe Sarah (character) did want exactly what was asking for in the scene, and this is okay between consenting adults. However, this scene is showing a girl who is 15 having sex with someone who is assumed to be older. End note
Consent.
The episode highlights the rebellious nature of young people by showing a scene of underage sex, sometimes referred to as ‘risky behaviour’ [39]. This behaviour can be seen to be risky in this episode because Sarah had just taken a puff of a substance (and perhaps consumed alcohol) and therefore may not be in full control of her thinking and rational processes. Though adolescence is time when rationality, understanding consequences and risky behaviours overlap and are often out of sync with each other, exacerbated by substances, alcohol or even child sexual abuse [40] She is also underage and therefore unable to consent in law to having sex (UK is 16 years of age, US varies as do other countries). This topic is complex and for more information and guidance you will need to look to your local area, state or country for the laws surrounding this issue. This is more than this chapter can discuss here.
Cyberstalking; disguised as parenting.
Mum does not tell Sarah she used the Arkangel app and pretends all is okay when Sarah returns home. Mum is now back in the process of being able to see what Sarah is doing at any time without her knowing. No consent given by Sarah, no knowledge of this is what we would call (covert and cyber)stalking [41].
The next time Sarah goes out to meet her boyfriend they are discussing his ‘on the side’ job of selling illegal substances. Sarah wants to try the cocaine he sells and her boyfriend duly agrees. As Arkangel is set to alert the parent to health issues the device pings on cue for Mum to sign in and see the drug being snorted (without the conversation history that took place before this moment). Context is often everything in understanding a behaviour, however, it seems like mum does not want to take the time to understand this as Mums’ anxiety escalates and now she is beginning to look like a vigilante taking the images of Sarah’s boyfriend and putting them into an image database, a little like the reverse google image search that can be carried out online.
Once Mum nails who he is, she pays a visit to him at work (unbeknown to Sarah) and reveals to him that she has the evidence of his ‘misdemeanours’. The relationship ends for Sarah and Mum watches the moment the boyfriend says their relationship was a mistake. Sarah is devastated. Mum may well be feeling huge guilt at this stage for getting involved. Perhaps she is not.
Mum has plenty of time to think and the next scene she is seen to be shopping for ‘emergency contraception’ at the pharmacy (courtesy of a notification in the app?) Again, assumptions being made about her daughter, her sexual health and pregnancy plans and this takes the process of intrusive parenting to a whole new level.
Mum is seen crushing up the EC tablet and again without consent adding it to the daily smoothie she makes that Sarah drinks. This is illegal drugging behaviour, [42] and yet as we are at this point of the episode, I am sure that a few parents were cheering mum on for making the ‘right decision?’.
Sarah vomits at the school and the health practitioner runs some tests and finds out it’s the emergency contraception that made her vomit. And of course as Sarah finds out this sparks all manner of betrayal processes about trust, consent, spying and more.
Now, moral, ethical or parenting values here given her age is 15? And as we now have the Wade versus Roe overturned law [43, 44] I wonder what this section of the episode brings up for those watching and those reading this chapter? Especially when the health nurse says she doesn’t have to flag it on the system and so mum might never have known.
The episode culminates in Sarah ransacking the bin at home to find the emergency contraception, then finding the device and looking through it confirming that betrayal of being spied upon. Mum returns home and Sarah confronts her, smashing the device on her mums head, when reliably and dramatically for one final time the filter turns on protecting Sarah from seeing the injuries she is inflicting on her mum. The filter turns off and she sees what she has done and runs away. Mum calls after her, no device to find her.
Not missing but ran away, on purpose.
Reflections on intrusive parenting, why fear feeds the monster (smother) mother
The episode begins with Marie (Sarah’s mum), she is in labour and laid on the surgical table for a caesarean procedure and begins the episode with a statement that really helps us identify how she feels at this moment. It sets the scene for the process of parenting and seems to include contextual information about her relationship status as she is alone with the medical staff.
She says; ‘I just couldn’t push anymore’ in a tone that reflects both tiredness from labour and possibly low self-esteem, worry, feelings of failure, and of course the unknown known that is about to change her life. Becoming a mother. A single parent mother. This is instantaneously seen when the baby is carried by the staff and she immediately begins asking in a panicked voice if she is okay, is all okay, what’s happening, and the fear is evident. Empathy to the child or overbearing? [45]
I am sure that many who read this chapter can connect with the level of fear that accompanies the pride, wonder, awe, and responsibility of raising children. There is no manual or ‘proper’ way to raise children, but we do know that there are behaviours, such as authoritative styles that can and do harm children in a number of ways [46] and these are often seen through a safeguarding lens or that of attachment theory [47] and Gabor Mate sums it nicely by saying; there are things that happen to children that shouldn’t, and there are things that should happen that don’t [48]
But seemingly, less often talked about are those smaller types of behaviour that can be cumulative [49], are carried out with the best of intents and are not necessarily trauma informed, attachment aware or specific to a child’s developmental needs, disabilities or learning needs. Ones that are rooted in the parents’ script [50] (the way we live our life) and the unconscious processes we bring to our parenting [51], such as the parenting style, culture, beliefs and those approaches we are swamped by if we pay attention to social media and the gurus out there [52].
Smother mother parenting comes from a deep-rooted place of wanting to protect the child (at all costs), it comes from a fearful place of believing the world is dangerous and you are the only one to be able to support your child and that their need for you is perhaps insurmountable. It comes from a place of thinking the worst about situations and people, and overestimating the child ability to let you know something is not okay and can result in restriction of a child’s activity. [53], The fear that all eyes are on you for being an unfit parent unless you are constantly showing people how ‘good at it’ you are must be exhausting.
Arkangel episode guides us through the heart-breaking trials of a worried parent in such a tizz about her daughter’s welfare that the provision of technology gives her the perceived feeling of control, which ultimately is about not being able to control and that is the crux and fear of parenting (for us all). Overprotectiveness results in the catastrophe she’s trying to avoid from the outset.
Intrusion (via apps like this) results in ultimate exclusion. Technology is not the answer to parenting, it is a scaffold [54] that needs to be removed gently as the child ages and that takes real attuned and present parenting. Tech solutions can never replace corporeal parenting.
Footnote# [surprisingly it turns on with no problems given the fact that earlier in the episode we learned of the closure of the Arkangel software program and business but who is keeping up with continuity at this point aside from my nerdy irk here?]
References on request