The blame and shame of the boys. Is it any wonder they are not okay if we talk about them like this?

And if we think that showing drama’s (not documentaries) about boys to boys that place the onus on boys is going to help boys then we are somewhat off piste right now.

Are JBP, JRE, Modern Wisdom and other male dominated podcasts and ‘training’ spaces (eg a Mr T**e) to blame for the shift in young males’ presence in the world? And what about the way they are now being spoken about by celebrity spokespeople who seemingly have the same discourse as a shaming parent? (with no formal training in mental health or perhaps anything outside of their lane of expertise)

Allow me an example here that may not come as a surprise to people who know me. I can talk football and can do so as a qualified football coach. Am I telling managers how to do their job at national level based in my small number of years of experience (around a decade of coaching children as an FA coach and working at a professional football company). Does this make me qualified to assert my level of what I think the sport should be doing? Perhaps not, but I would be well within my lane to have these discussions. Yet I stick in my lane; children and their use of technology and how this helps, harms or honours their mental health. 

So yes I’m miffed when I see men pontificating about “the boys who are suffering and wont speak out about their mental health issues” and are said have unhealthy choices of managing this suffering, who are said to be choosing activities because they are suffering, and not speaking out about their mental health and so opt for the technology based spaces. I’m miffed because this does not understand boys writ large nor does it understand the digital environments they visit or why.  Calling gaming unhealthy smacks of little knowledge about gaming for a start and is woefully awry on what boys do when it comes to viewing pornography or gambling as something that can all be lumped together as one coping mechanism, now said to be unhealthy. Just what is it these boys are supposed to do to manage their suffering?  

Boys can and do use gaming as a way to talk about their issues, whatever they may be, they can and do view more than just porn or engage in gambling and this recent lecture given by Sir Gareth Southgate has so much missing from the actuality of what is going on for our boys. But it got loads of clicks and likes, and I am sadly adding into the fish barrel of social media articles and more traffic on the topic. 

Why it is blame aimed at the boys

It would have better for the boys self-esteem to hear Southgate say ‘we need to help our boys’ or ‘we need to make changes about the way we behave’ rather than point the finger of blame and shame directly at them. Words matter, and how we use the words matter, and most importantly how we organise those words semantically and the syntax matter most when we drop the accountability and make it an ‘othering’ as Southgate’s speech has done so.

Moreover the suggestion by a Prime Minister that a ‘documentary’ which is actually a dramatisation of an story, that’s a story not a full and true reflection or reality should be shown in schools inferring that this will  ‘teach em a lesson or two’ is not helpful either because the storyline is that boys are the problem here. Is it any wonder they are suffering when we tell them this, namely by other males who suggest they have no role models. I wonder why? 

And why? Because words taken from the podcasts by JPB, a dominating clinician, lecturer and author, spoken by his own mouth suggests these problems are occurring, and they have been quoted and regurgitated left, right, up and down by other males who are referencing research pertaining to …adult males about their mating and romantic habits. And it was this cocktail dribble phenomena that was captured as a quote in the drama, the story of an event about a boy. The 80:20 boy crisis no less. 

But is this true, are young men and boys dating like this, has the red, blue, purple, white and black pill penetrated this younger end of male discourse in the way a storyline suggests? Is this really a true representation of our boys, is it really 80% who feel like this, or is it 80% that are suffering, or is it 80% of them that will be in that tricky to measure accurately cohort of the high suicide rate of males, which may now reach 80% because really what’s the fucking point if I’m suffering, useless, have been red pilled by the manosphere and blamed by the other 20%, what would I have to live for eh?

If we set the stage that they will be knocked back as a grown man, why try. If the world tells them they are broken, why try. If the world says they are making unhealthy choices and that these choices will result in poorer mental health and outcomes. Why try?

This is the echo chamber I hear in the boys in my therapy room. You know the ones speaking out and trying to deal with their issues. Being blamed, speaking out about the horrors of being called useless or weak by other men in content shown to them at school; by thinking they are rapists because in school they are taught some men are because some men are, therefore in a child and young persons mind x always equals y. because they are being called names that they don’t always understand and of course head to the internet to find out what those words mean, only to land in said spheres of this content. 

I’m not saying we don’t have a problem in society

There are indeed some cases, and I repeat some cases but not all. There are boys and young males buying into this ideology for sure and repeating what they hear. Because when faced with the alternative discourse and narrative of their suffering and weakness suggested by other males who point the finger, why wouldn’t they? Their fathers have been called weak, their fathers are said to be absent, and in some cases, this is true, and, in some cases, this has been an outcome of court decisions (usually regarding the level of violence, crime or emotional availability of either or both parents). And so, we blame up, across and down. 

I don’t see the services or even a charity being formed by those men who speak of the weak boys, I don’t see the Philanthropy and action. I see blame and shame. 

The men who do create these spaces for the boys are ones who want to support them and not aim their wrath at them.  They are few and boy do they try to help. Are they being heard when the media pushes the narrative of late?

My new book 'Tech Smart Parenting - How To Keep Your Kids Happy and Safe Online' is available for pre-order right now. 

If you're working with boys and want to better understand their digital worlds and mental health needs, let's have a real conversation. Get in touch to explore how we can do better—together.

Catherine Knibbs is a cyber trauma and online harms specialist in child and adolescent mental health. If you'd like training, consultancy, or a keynote on this topic—reach out.